Painful back. Trying to follow it. Doesn’t seem to work today. I get worried about nerve-like twinges. I feel unconnected and unfocussed. In Ho’oponopono you take total responsibility for any problem, even if it doesn’t seem to be your own. I took this attitude of responsibility for the whole performance, and a sort of offering up of thanks to it all, and my breathing became easier. I added a bit of “letting it happen” (in Ho’oponopono we don’t have conscious control of what we do anyway), and my back felt fine, I was making a good sound, I was more aware of tuning and I felt an interest in the music. Amazing what a change can happen with a different attitude. A stream of thoughts also came to me: Cause and effect. I have created everything that has happened to me, and continue to do so. Everything is an inevitable consequence of what happens before. What about free will? No, just let it happen (like we do when we are playing well). You don’t have control over the outcome, but you have caused it, over your whole life. What happens now is a consequence of everything that has happened in your life, including things you are not aware of. A bit like destiny, only it is not pre-determined. More like Tao, or the pilot wave concept in physics. We create the whole of reality, responsible for everyone. In the aria no.28, I am responsible for the singers, everyone in the orchestra, even the audience and the building. How can I be? But there are glimpses of this in performance often - when you feel you have to tense up for someone else’s solo. Or when there is an atmosphere where everyone is pulling together. There is a collective consciousness. Everything is an inevitable consequence of what happens before. If we try to interfere with this, the next consequence is changed to a version that contains our “control” (an illusion, a less than perfect thing). If we had let it happen, the result could be the perfect thing for that moment. (Is this where “faith” lies, that letting go of control leads to the “right” thing, that there is a benevolence, and only our control stops it?) I’m enjoying this sense of responsibility. Many people and events have suggested I should take more responsibility and I have always had edges* to it. But not to this. Somewhere in this is all my stuff about blame. I’d like to return to this, but it suddenly seems clear to me that blame is not the same as resposibility. *”edge” is a term from Process Work meaning that I feel at the “edge” of myself, my comfort zone, and feel uneasy to go further, but with the implication that this is my growing point.http://www.idreamcatcher.com/hooponopono/http://www.rspopuk.com/shapeimage_2_link_0shapeimage_2_link_1
Così 5
Wednesday, 9 June 2010